QueenLiv
by on September 16, 2018
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There are always two sides to every story, and two sides to every relationship.

The key to a successful relationship is developing the right dynamic. 

I have experienced many positive relationships while exploring this World, but I have also experienced negatives. Life comes with good and bad and at the end of the day it's all about how you handle these types of situations. Learn and grow from them, never let them hold you back. 

I had a sub last year, who for the longest time, seemed like the model sub, he was obedient, sent because he wanted to, and sent when instructed, he completed every task with ease, he did his morning and nightly worship, never missed a day, and he even wrote beautiful blogs for Me. (None of which are featured here. Before you get curious.) he seemed like a perfect sub, he was even from the same city. Months in things took a turn late one night. I wanted to think it was just a bad night because this was so out of left field for him, he was clearly intoxicated late into the evening, he was blowing up My phone at 3am, demanding My attention. I informed him that I was tired and in bed, he then threatened to kill himself if I didn't call him right then, he accused Me of lying about being in bed and that could see I was up because of My"timestamps." Just a little obsessive. These were Red Flags #1 and #2.  

"i can't go on without You." 

It was scary and disturbing when he pulled that card, as his Domme I couldn't just walk away and leave him to his dark thoughts,  if he were to do something so terrible, I don't know how I would ever be able to live with that. he would then tell Me how much he loved Me and couldn't live without Me. I did My best to talk him down... And I though things were going to be okay moving forward...

 

I was wrong.

 

he showed constant hostility towards the mention of My Boyfriend or another sub. he was extremely jealous. I would constantly make it clear that he was My sub and nothing more, I loved My Boyfriend and he had to accept that. he would constantly say sorry but continue to tell Me how he could treat Me better. Red flag #2. He would also show jealousy when I would go for the nightly Facetime call with My Boyfriend before bed, he would also blow up My phone and interrupt the call constantly with dramatics throughout. The biggest warning sign was everything was always about him and his feelings. In these moments he would completely disregard Mine. 

I  had many talks with this sub about him needing to know where the line was, and to never cross it. he was allowed to love Me, but not be in love with Me, to the point where he thought he deserved reciprocation, even worse, that he was entitled to it. I never once insinuated that I wanted to date him, or that I was unhappy within My own relationship, yet he did everything intentional or not to sacrifice My happiness for his own selfish desires. he would try to plant seeds of doubt in My Mind about My Own relationship with the hope that he could move in. he would almost always come down off this cliff of hate when he sobered up, he would really become subby again, almost to a model degree but it became apparent to Me where his true intentions lied, as this cycle continued over and over. he was trying to manipulate and change Me while putting on his "subby act." he just couldn't hide it when he was drunk.

For a while, I thought he could change, because the "subby act" was so convincing but it became an extremely toxic pattern. I would end up staying up really late a few times a week and talking him down, and one night, it escalated, it turned from a suicide threat, into emotional and verbal abuse.  he would constantly internalize My tweets that had nothing to do with him and take it as an attack. This only caused more unnecessary issues. he would always apologize profusely and promise it would never happen again... But you know how this goes, it always did. It got to the point where an apology due to inexperience wasn't enough anymore. This was affecting Me.

One night his behaviour escalated to the point of him calling Me a user, bitch, cockslut, and a whore, among many other nasty things. Red Flag #3. There was one night in particular where I had to be up early for a meeting, I tried to talk him down as usual and even explained how important My morning was and that I needed sleep but he would NOT respect that, he kept going on and on about ending his life AND on top of abusing Me, he degraded My boyfriend, told Me how his cock was so much better for Me than his. (Gross, if you only saw the tasks he completed for Me.) Told Me he could love Me and treat Me better than My Boyfriend ever could and that My Boyfriend probably cheats on Me all the time because We aren't in the same city. This sub was trying to manipulate My emotions. This caused a lot of emotional stress, and a total lack of sleep in My life. This wasn't healthy as I already suffer from anxiety issues and I'm not ashamed to say it. I ended up being up till 7am that morning and missed My alarm for My meeting after being up all night with him. he showed 0 remorse for his actions, because he got what he wanted.... Attention. Red flag #4 

 

"You have no plans for the future

You want a Man to own You

Your Real Man does.

And I could too."

 

"I would support you and f*** the shit out of you"

 

"I pledged my life to you and yet your still alone hoping your fuckboy still likes you"

"Dump the motherfucker.

You are a Queen should be treated like gold and Yes worshipped , along with being f****** out of Your mind."

 

 

"I don’t want to be lonely from loving you and watch you end up alone too"

"Hey hunny, ya I said iI loved you, but on the side I've got tons od submisive slave sluts i disn;t tell you about, want to see the videos of thejm tsiting their nipples and fingering their c**** for Me"

 

This also sub began to constantly got angry and abusive when I didn't text him enough, this crossed over to when he was sober, he was so needy, that he needed to text 24/7, and if I didn't respond it was the end of the world and yet another outburst. Red Flag #5I live an extremely busy life, I don't even text My own Boyfriend 24/7. For a sub to think he is entitled to 24/7 attention is more than a little delusional. I have a life. Not to mention he was also jealous of other subs getting attention over himRed Flag #6. A sub should be happy for his Goddess and support the growth of Her Empire, not work against it, especially when another sub can provided more than he can at that moment. A sub should support his Goddess, Her growth, happiness and prosperity, no matter the source. A sub should also acknowledge that he is not an equal, and saying such lewd things to a Goddess is unacceptable. The submissive sluts comment also struck a cord, showed true colours in his manipulation plot he was not a true submissive, perhaps switch, but an even bigger asshole. I deserve respect no matter what the subs state of mind at the time. Nobody deserves abuse.

"i thought that you wouldn’t ignore me every morning , you make it clear that slaves are not in your plans; more than that I understand your position in life , I understand your need to run a business, to keep things separate for me from Your Reality; but You either want a slave or You don’t ; You can’t be half: take my money and let me be your friend or don’t take my money and make me your fool you’ll have to replace. Cause you don’t know I wait all day to hear from you."

Then 5 mins later he would spin a 180.

"If you want me You know I am Yours

Will You call and tell me I Yours Goddess? 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

I’m *

My balls ache all day Goddess

I am Your total bitch

I dream every night about crawling before You and serving You; it’s really sick

I can’t even piss normally anymore Goddess"

 

(The demanding to hear My voice to be submissive was also a huge issue. submission doesn't work that way, that's topping from the bottom, just because you want something doesn't mean you will get it or even deserve it. Red Flag #7.) Not hearing My voice or not getting whatever the sub desires at the time should NOT be a make or break of a D/s. That's patheticl.

 

When this particular sub wouldn't get his way he would cycle back to...

 

"Could have had me but your boyfriend  is more exciting even tho he make you feel insecure

And why give me anything when I give you everything you ask for? not even let me hear Your voice? Don’t act like You care if you can’t even yell at me unless you’re frightened you’ll lose a ton of money

I can help you be a better slut too"

This sub constantly stepped out of line and tried to control Me during his outbursts, due to his length of servitude and the trust W/we had developed these actions completely caught Me off guard. This sub's apologies would be constantly be about being sorry and that the reason he acted that way was only because he loved Me so much and that it's hard for him, he promised to change, and learn how and draw a line. he never did. This kind of behaviour is NOT out of love it's actually abuse. 

After nights of his ongoing abuse he would send messages like this to backpeddle...

 

"i want to be a good submissive Goddess; Your happiness is all. i will hopefully earn enough to make You happy with me one day Goddess. Thank You for teaching me and allowing me the opportunity to prove myself before You Goddess.

Very happy for You and the slave Goddess, although i feel inadequate and jealous at the same time. i am punching my balls for punishment , i don’t even deserve for You to punish me but hope that You will or tell me what to do or how to feel my Queen.

Very hopeful and happy that this slaves earnings will ease Your burdens, wishing it was me who could do so for You Goddess 👑

i am not worthy of You Queen Olivia 👸🏼😌

i am so ashamed of myself, a million apologies for everything i am lacking in, for everything I am doing wrong and for everything ive ever done wrong Goddess. i am so lucky that You found me and for everything You have done for this pathetic slave Goddess."

 

he even said at one point in another apology that he just wanted Me to be happy, so he would just pay and stay out of My life. (More manipulation.)

 

"I’m glad you have a boyfriend

I think you really need and deserve one

Don’t be so rough that you forget Your emotions

You won’t be able to separate

Please let me pay You and leave You to Your life

Of course i do but i want so much more , a place in Your life Goddess

I love You.

Not my place to ask so i aske to pay to stay out of it; better or worse

Useful or not"

 

At this point I didn't even want that, he became so toxic. I didn't even want to open his messages anymore. I don't want money or attention that comes from a toxic source and with him it was Jekyll or Hyde, I never knew which version would show up. One time he was even so upset, he threatened to sue Me to get all his money back and shut down My accounts, blah blah blah, more manipulation. It wasn't working on Me anymore. he couldn't scare Me into "taking him back." I was no longer worried about losing the months and months of time that I put into training him, or the illusion of the fake friendship he had created.

 

he still sends Me messages to this day about how he misses Me.

"i miss You Goddess, I want to be Your bent over slut and servant for life, i am just not worthy of knowing You."

 

Let Me make it clear, I don't care how much a sub pays Me. NO amount of money is enough to make Me sacrifice My Own mental health and well being. A Domme is to drain a sub financially,  and both parties enjoy it, a sub's purpose isn't to drain a Domme emotionally and cause Her distress.

 

This is a message from near the end of our conversations still truly disturbs Me.

"Saying i am selfish while demanding completed sacrifice to Your desires selfish or orherwise only seems a bit heavy handed no?

 

I would be happy to Worship You, at the end of the day all humans need a carrot as much as stick, or neither is effective or good for them."

Ew.

This is the type of message where his true colours showed, AGAIN. First of all weird wording. he knew what he was getting into when he entered into a consensual Findom D/s. However he decided that implementing his idea of non-consensual Worship was better, actually getting to have My body and use as he pleased no matter My feelings, he wanted to get what he wanted from Me through for his selfish wants and desires. This was never going to happen. It was never on the table. It became evident that he wanted something that was never going to happen when he entered into servitude. his anger and disdain could no longer be hidden or masked by his "sub act." My happiness with My Boyfriend bothered him. My relationships with My other subs bothered him, and how I allocated My time in My Personal and Work life also bothered him. A sub should always support what makes his Domme happy and not stand in the way of it, especially when it is something that does not concern him or something that he can't provide. he was trying to shape Me into something I was not. he was making Me unhappy, and causing Me to resent him.

When I enter into a D/s dynamic, I go all in. I truly care for My subs, however I will NEVER love them like a Boyfriend. I will NEVER mislead a sub. A sub will never be My partner or My equal. My Boyfriend has been in My life for over 3 years now, and He is super supportive of My lifestyle, and He is NOT going anywhere. he cannot be replaced and especially NOT by a sub and especially not by a manipulative one. A sub under Me needs to respect My relationship with My Boyfriend and even My other subs, a sub does not have the right to be demanding of My time. Any attention he does get he should be grateful for. And a sub needs to respect that My Personal Life is MINE and if I choose not to disclose certain details, DEAL WITH IT.  Boundaries are established for a reason and those lines should NEVER be blurred. Not to mention that trust TAKES TIME.

This is just a brief summation of ONE of the manipulative toxic, D/s experiences I had.  I have had some other scary brushes in this World, I will see how this blog does before publishing any more.  I feel like learning about these experiences are beneficial, educational and can save you from the same pain. Just like in the Vanilla World, not all people or relationships are good for you. Losing someone is always hard, ending a relationship often feels like a mini death, so you try to hold on even when it's not good for you. But when the bad begins to outweigh the good, and when it starts to take a toll on your overall happiness you need to take action and remove that cancer from your life. No amount of money, gifts or memories about the good times are worth it. Abuse is abuse, you need to learn to recognize the signs. Here's a great one... A sub that threatens to leave or walk away every time he doesn't like what he hears, or doesn't get what he wants. Unhappy people will only drag you down and manipulate you, you need to surround yourself with those who lift you up. Just because someone pays you, it doesn't mean that they are a sub, or that their intentions are pure. Beware subs can gaslight too, they are still humans. Be careful, cautious, watch out for red flags, never share to much until you truly know, even then, so you don't end up with an experience like this one. I have used this experience to learn to cut ties faster and to look out for these types of behaviours, I won't let this failed D/s hold Me back from all the potential good ones. Neither should you, just take this as a cautionary tale...

 

On to the next one.