by on January 9, 2019
3k+ views


This is something that SHOULDN'T have to be said, but since many of you seem to be confused I figured I would lay out the basics and ground rules of initiating contact with a Domme. These are MY ideas of what ground rules should be, and and these may not apply to every Domme. However... Following these guidelines should help improve your response rate as a sub. If you are looking for a meaningful connection here or if you're a Domme seeking some insight,  I encourage you to continue reading below.

   NEVER contact a Domme solely based on Her photos.


-  Welcome to the internet. She might not be who is in the pictures. (There are millions of pics of pretty girls out there in fetish wear and what not AND a million fake accounts (And if you are here on Findoms.com luckily you can weed out the fakes by checking if the Domme has a cam verified profile or not.) if you don't use your brain you will more than likely end up disappointed and have a less than desirable outcome.) Also this shouldn't have to be said but.... Beauty does NOT equal dominance. 

-Initiating a conversation by calling a Domme beautiful or sexy is NOT a turn on. It's gross. A Domme is well aware of Her beauty and the power of Her sexuality, you DO NOT need to tell Her that, as a sub you need to approach in a humble manner and leave your thoughts motivated by your dick out of the conversation. This is about finding a connection and first and foremost pleasing the Domme NOT yourself.

How To and Not To Initiate a Message... 

-Always approach a Domme by addressing Her by Her preferred title. Dommes and subs alike do NOT like being called things they do not appreciate or identify T/them self as. Not every Domme wants to be addressed as Princess, Mistress, Miss, Queen, Goddess ect. Every Domme has Her preference if you can't take the time to figure it out you don't deserve a response. Just like not every sub likes to be called a piggy or a loser, not every Domme wants to be called Mistress or Princess. Incorrect titles can be insulting and will lead you to getting 0 response or blocked. 

-Which brings Me to... When you contact a Domme without doing your research you may end up addressing Her wrong, which leads to insulting Her and possibly to you getting blocked. Lazy subs who do not read or do their research do not deserve attention. (For example within My profile I clearly state how to address Me in an initial message, I use it as a test to see if a sub has read My profile [What's even sadder it's right at the top and they don't even have to read that far] or not and specifically state I will not respond if I'm addressed as otherwise. Guess how often I get messages that fail that test?? 85% of the time or even more. How disappointing.)

-If you're going to message a Domme you NEED to do better than "hi." If a Domme sees the little to no effort you put in a message why would She ever message you back? Lazy subs are NOT desirable subs.

-A Domme also does NOT want to receive offers for unsolicited sub services. If a Domme wanted you to be any, or do any of these things you offered SHE WOULD ASK. A Domme knows what She wants and knows how to get it.  Furthermore why would She want something from a random nobody like you? Stop being selfish and gross.

-If you're not getting a response, ask yourself are you sending multiple, duplicate, or needy messages over and over? Guess what? It isn't going to get you anywhere. STOP. As a sub you need to take the hint and move on, or you need to take a step back and learn to change your approach.


Which leads Me to...

Getting a response from your desired Domme.

-A Domme does NOT want to initiate a conversation with someone that she has 0 shared interests with. READ. If you don't take the time to read a Dommes profile and go on looks alone you might just contact someone that has nothing in common with you which will ultimately go nowhere. Oh look, a sub who wastes his own time. ;)  A sub who thinks when necessary is an asset. A sub who thinks with his dick and dick alone is garbage.

- Any sub who contacts a Domme and has a personal request right off the bat will more than likely be ignored. A Domme is generally NOT turned on by a sub who starts off by sharing his team viewer information, tells you he's drunk/intoxicated at any capacity, requests to be rinsed or who shares any other sensitive personal info. This comes off as someone who is seeking a selfish thrill and someone who is more than likely mass messaging multiple Dommes at once to see who takes the bait. This comes off as classic "time waster" behavior. (But remember Dommes the only one who can waste your time is yourself.) If you are genuinely interested in sharing this kind of info or want this type of play, (first of all don't be stupid, the last thing you want is this information to fall into the wrong hands) build up to it, and show the Domme that you are worth playing with and that you can be trusted. Most Dommes will not play Team viewer games or whatever else without some kind of initial deposit and that's just plain facts. A Dommes time is valuable and it's up to you to whether you want to acknowledge that and be acknowledged yourself. 

-Mass messaging Dommes is NOT appealing. The Domme community is a Sisterhood contrary to popular belief. Dommes DO communicate with each other and if you have been sending the same (even if you think its a non-obvious) message to multiple Dommes, They already know about it. Dommes have no interest in a sub who sends the same thing over and over. Again its gross and unappealing, and it also shows that they sub puts 0 thought or effort into his messages and is more than likely just looking out for one thing... his selfish wants. No thanks.

-If you've been around for a while the other Dommes in a community also will likely know who you are before you message Them. If you have done any of the things above, you need to change your approach or you will be getting nowhere fast. If you have a bad reputation of any kind good luck getting a response unless you make a drastic change to your behavior. A blacklisted sub isn't an appealing sub. :)

So... If you do decide to contact a Domme, and want an actual response contact Her for these reasons...

- you share an interest in ______________.

- you both are seeking the same type of D/s relationship.

-you want to tribute Her. (Tip: Do NOT contact a Domme to ask you if you can tribute Her when She has the tribute info on Her profile. Most Dommes will see this as a sub blowing hot air. (This is why you read profile before approaching so you know what to do.) If you want to contact a Domme by inti ally tributing Her that's cool, but do NOT contact Her until the tribute is sent. Then you may address Her by using the appropriate title and telling Her you sent a tribute to Her to show admiration and to get Her attention. An initial tribute IS NOT a requirement however, no Domme appreciates a sub asking to tribute in an to attempt to get Her attention. If you want to take the initial tribute approach go for it, but follow through and actually send something first. If She doesn't have tribute info listed then you may ask Her what methods She accepts tributes from and then send before trying to initiate conversation any further. 


Keep in mind when it comes to getting a response that some Dommes receive a huge amount of mail, way more than Other Dommes. There is only so much time in the day, so if you really want to get Her attention an initial tribute is a smart approach, but again do your research some popular Dommes do have tribute minimums and if you don't meet that amount you more than likely won't get a response and you shouldn't be surprised by it. And EVEN if you do happen meet that amount you may get lost in the woodwork or just not appeal to Her. An initial tribute without any communication beforehand is NOT a guarantee that you will be acknowledged and as a sub you need to accept that. A tribute is a token of admiration nothing more, and as a sub it does NOT entitle you to anything but knowing that you tributed a Domme you admire.


- If you find a Dommes profile intriguing would like to talk to Her further sans tribute DMing a Domme you are interested in is OK.  Make yourself stand out from the sea of desperate subs. Show the Domme that you are worth a response. Always approach Her by addressing Her respectfully and as the preferred title listed on Her profile, prove to Her that you did your research and tell Her WHY you are contacting Her the right way. (ie. By inserting your shared interests. A D/s relationship foundation should be no different than a vanilla one, there needs to be common ground and connection otherwise there is nothing to build on.) Physical attraction is never enough, not to mention the Domme isn't going to be attracted to you. Keep dreaming.  NEVER INITIATE A CONVERSATION WITH A DOMME BY LISTING OFF YOUR FETISHES, NEVER SEND A MESSAGE THAT IS NOT FOCUSED ON HER AND HER WANTS/NEEDS, AS A sub ATTEMPT TO SATISFY HER NEEDS, AND TRY TO SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE WHAT SHE SEEKS IN A sub. NO DOMME WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT HOW YOU GET OFF OR ONLY ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE. subs CATER TO THE DOMME NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. (Listing things you have in common is FINE, but DO NOT glorify what you like, especially NOT in the first message.)  [ I personally have 0 issue having a conversation with subs where W/we find common ground to see if W/we have chemistry. Chemistry is key in any long term D/s relationship (just like any vanilla relationship.) If you can't have a normal conversation with a Domme and put your fetishes and your wants aside, just don't bother. I personally do not require or demand tribute when it comes having a real meaningful conversation that could move a potential relationship forward.] Always leave your dick out of the conversation, believe Me the Domme is NOT interested in how excited you get looking at Her. 

-subs just because a Domme may acknowledge you, it doesn't mean you have to tribute just because she's a "Domme."  If you don't feel a connection, don't feel pressured, and respectfully communicate that to Her, thank Her for Her time and move on, (A Domme and a sub don't owe each other anything initially other than a mutual respect. Ghosting isn't cool in any world and feels just shitty. Vanilla or Kink.) but if you want to show appreciation or admiration towards a Domme for Her time, this is the time to do it.   


-If you haven't figured it out by now there is also a right and wrong way to insert your fetishes into a message. Initially probably isn't the place, unless it's a shared interest. Figure it out before clicking send.


These were only just a few basics when it comes to messaging a Domme and mainly focused on initial contact.  Hopefully this will help you and help not irritate the Domme on the receiving end in your next message. And if you're someone who's messages get ignored a lot hopefully this brought you some clarity and will help you be less selfish moving forward. A D/s relationship is symbiotic, remember that. Good luck to all Dommes and subs in finding the right D/s relationship for you. And if you're a sub who going to message Me, take note of these pointers or your message will go straight to the trash as always. :)